Every other months, I seem to have trouble falling into sleep at night until the birds wake up and sing. A lot of things were running in my head last night, for example, writing this post was one of the many. The things I want to do, and the things I should have finished but not, pretty scratchy. What things you may ask?Well, I have errands to run, house to clean, products to research, photos to edit, emails to clean up, meals to cook, wedding to make, and many things about me to figure out, and this certainly isn’t complain. I enjoy all. But I struggle with feelings of self-accomplishment and recognition. I feel like standing at the same spot, spending time watching something I want to be with for but not part of. I want to be part of that but I don’t seem to make a difference. I have confidence and ambition and all it takes but I feel trapped.
I got into ugly debates over different opinions, mostly the ones that touch my insecurity, insecurity as things I only let me to see and that I search for bandages to cover in front of people who points out. Mostly, and all the time it lead to an emotion burst out and I act like the one who was getting hurt. It is the part of me that’s not so beautiful and lovable. Sometimes what’s behind being annoying is really: “I know, but my ego is too high to surrender!” Yes, that is exactly what’s keeping me getting out of those destructive argues, admit it or not.
In the future, I will spend more time asking myself what it is with me that is not easy, kind, and lovable.