A conversation

Every other months, I seem to have trouble falling into sleep at night until the birds wake up and sing. A lot of things were running in my head last night, for example, writing this post was one of the many. The things I want to do, and the things I should have finished but not, pretty scratchy. What things you may ask?Well, I have errands to run, house to clean, products to research, photos to edit, emails to clean up, meals to cook, wedding to make, and many things about me to figure out, and this certainly isn’t complain. I enjoy all. But I struggle with feelings of self-accomplishment and recognition. I feel like standing at the same spot, spending time watching something I want to be with for but not part of. I want to be part of that but I don’t seem to make a difference. I have confidence and ambition and all it takes but I feel trapped.

I got into ugly debates over different opinions, mostly the ones that touch my insecurity, insecurity as things I only let me to see and that I search for bandages to cover in front of people who points out. Mostly, and all the time it lead to an emotion burst out and I act like the one who was getting hurt. It is the part of me that’s not so beautiful and lovable. Sometimes what’s behind being annoying is really: “I know, but my ego is too high to surrender!” Yes, that is exactly what’s keeping me getting out of those destructive argues, admit it or not.

In the future, I will spend more time asking myself what it is with me that is not easy, kind, and lovable.

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7 comments

  1. Kevin

    Erika,

    I don’t know you personally, and have only been here for a short time. I was first led to your blog by a repost of a recipe that you posted that interested me. After reading the recipe I looked at a few other of your posts and found them interesting and uplifting. I decided to subscribe to your blog, which is something that I never do, because I thought it might be nice to get emails with news of your future posts.

    Now, after reading this, I am very surprised by your insecurities. Of course, we all suffer from similar feelings, but I can assure you that not even knowing you, I am very certain that you are a very competent, thoughtful, considerate, intelligent person, and that you are undoubtedly overthinking things and are too critical in judging yourself. When I wake up in the middle of the night, filled with anxiety, I try to just say a quiet little prayer, asking the Lord to give me the strength to deal with all of my problems, and the calmness to go back to sleep, knowing that I will be able to deal with everything tomorrow.

    Thanks for writing and sharing so much of yourself. Your posts are a welcome sight in my inbox.

    Kevin

    • Thanks, Kevin.
      I wrote down these feelings to define and remember for me, otherwise it will just be tangled and burried in the back of my mind. Knowing what exactly I was going through helps the coping and healing process.
      Your words are very encouraging and healing.

  2. Don’t be so hard on your self. It may be ugly and I may not be loveable but a good cry, belly laugh or tantrum help me release and clear the air:) Have a Great Day!

  3. I do feel you, you know. Maybe all of us do, now and then, feel like this. What works for me is to just remember that there is no where you have to be, or do, there’s no right or wrong path, or anything to be accomplished. All of our worries are created by ourselves, too, and so are all the goals, aspirations… It always seems then that we will never get there, we expect so much of ourselves. So instead of thinking of what part of you don’t like, look for all of the great things about you! That might help with you worries, with frustrations… Let them behind. The journey is the goal, you must enjoy it, right? ;)

    • Meia, it is true. Once a while worry and frustrations found their own way out of me. I almost forgot what is more important.
      And thanks for reminding me of that.

  4. I feel the same way about myself sometimes, but I embrace the ugly parts of me and just use my realization of these ugly parts to improve myself. I do not always succeed in making myself better, but I am not perfect — no one is.

  5. amnesiaclinic

    Erika,

    Your posts are a delight. It is also very humbling the way you can share your thoughts about yourself that most of us try to hide!

    That takes a lot of courage. As others are saying, it’s wonderful when you can get to that place where you learn not to have to control it all. You learn to trust yourself that it will all turn out for the best. Also, learning to support yourself and being your own best friend.

    Much love
    xxxx

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